The Human Library
The Friend Who Refused to Leave
Someone whose friend stayed, even when she tried to push her away.
What happened
I did everything I could, without ever quite saying it out loud, to make her stop trying. I canceled plans. I gave short, closed-off answers. I made myself hard to reach, over and over, certain that eventually she'd take the hint and stop bothering. She never took the hint. She just kept showing up, a little differently each time, until one of the versions of showing up finally worked.
What I wish people understood
That pushing someone away and wanting them to stay can be the exact same act. I didn't know how to ask for what I needed, so I did the opposite instead, and hoped someone would be stubborn enough to see through it.
What helped
That she never once tried to fix me. She just kept being there — texts that didn't require an answer, showing up without an agenda, never once making her presence conditional on me getting better first. She let me be exactly as closed off as I needed to be, for as long as I needed to be it, without disappearing.
What didn't help
Well-meaning advice that treated the friendship like a problem to be solved instead of a relationship to just be present in. Anyone who needed me to explain myself before they'd keep showing up.
What I know now
That loving someone who's struggling doesn't require fixing them. Sometimes the entire job is just staying, consistently, past the point it stopped being convenient — and trusting that eventually it will matter, even if you never get thanked for it in the moment.
One thing I want someone else to hear
If you're loving someone who's pushing you away, you don't have to fix them to help them. Sometimes just refusing to leave is the whole thing.